Women aren’t the only people who are slut-shamed, as Stephen S. Mills found out when he went for a routine (and responsible) health screening.
He wheeled toward me on his office chair and eyed me closely from behind his thick glasses. He was in his late fifties and overweight with stringy gray hair flopping down his face, and he had perfected the government worker’s “I Hate the World” face.
Our brief encounter had already included him asking how I was and when I returned the question, he proclaimed that he was tired and ready for his first vacation in five years, which I learned he was taking the following week. I didn’t dare ask how he could be so tired since his department kept such limited hours, nor did I ask why he hadn’t taken a vacation in five years when government workers are given many days off including holidays and weekends.
No, I kept my mouth shut.
Before he began to draw my blood, he checked over the brief paperwork that was required for a full STD panel. I had carefully filled it out in the waiting room next to pregnant mothers and nervous teens talking on their cell phones sitting right under the “No Cell Phones Allowed” sign.
He looked up from the sheets of paper and said, “Twenty partners in the last six months?” It was written down, so I’m not sure why it came out of his mouth as a question.
“Yes, that’s correct.”
“We are doing an HIV test as well?”
“Yes.” It was also written on the sheet.
“Well, let’s hope you don’t have it. Twenty people is a whole lot of risk.”
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It took me a minute to fully understand what had just happened. This man who worked for the Florida Department of Health in Orange County where I lived at the time had just slut shamed me. He wasn’t interested in any real conversation about sexual health. He didn’t ask me about my safer sex practices. He just saw on paper that I had 20 partners in six months and those partners were men, which means (in his mind) there’s a good chance I have HIV.
I was there getting tested because I’m sexually active and responsible about my sexual health. I went to the health department because it is cheaper, and you can get the full STD panel done. What I didn’t come for was to be slut shamed by a man who looked like he hadn’t had sex in a really long time (Yes, that’s a low blow, but he deserves it).
I was angry, but do you make a scene with the person about to stick a needle in your arm? He no longer seemed so interested in talking anyway. I sat there as he took my blood and thought about what a terrible person he would be to tell someone they were HIV+. Would the results come with a “What did expect, you slut?” or a rolling of the eyes? I also pondered the effect his comment would have on people who might be less confident than I am about sex and the choices I’ve made.
For a culture that broadcasts sex all the time in the form of entertainment and advertisements, we also spend a lot of time slut shaming people. We promote sex on the one hand, yet never want to have real conversations about sexuality or sexual health.
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For a culture that broadcasts sex all the time in the form of entertainment and advertisements, we also spend a lot of time slut shaming people (often females, but not only). We promote sex on the one hand, yet never want to have real conversations about sexuality or sexual health (even in a place like the STD clinic of the public health department).
And if you enjoy sex and have multiple partners you are seen as someone who deserves what they get whether that be HIV or raped or any other undesirable situation. People in this country are constantly trying to regulate people’s sexuality and sexual decisions from birth control to gay marriage.
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I was twenty-nine when this man slut shamed me. By that age, I was confident in my sexual choices. I practice safer sex, but I also have many sexual partners, and I’m in a committed relationship at the same time. I’m used to raised eyebrows and judgment from people. But these are my choices, and if I’m coming in to be tested on a regular basis like a responsible sexual person, why should I be shamed for those choices?
A twenty-year old me would have felt the shame in this man’s comment. I would have worried and questioned myself in negative ways. Slut shaming doesn’t stop people from having sex, but it can lead to people being less responsible and more secretive with their sexual health, which helps no one. Exploring your sexuality, having more than one partner, and thinking about your sexual health are all good things and shouldn’t be demonized.
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After this incident, I’ve continued to see slut shaming in many places including inside the gay community. In the last decade the focus of the gay rights movement (for better or worse) has been on the fight for marriage equality. I’m all for equal rights, and I recently married my partner of ten years in New York, where I now live, but this focus on the fight for marriage has come at a cost. That cost has been a “sweep anything out of the ordinary under the rug,” which means people like me who are in open relationships.
The start of the gay rights movement led to sexual freedom and exploration for gay men, but now organizations like the Human Rights Campaign (the largest lobbying group for gay rights) has pushed the idea that we deserve equal rights because we are just like everyone else. I hate this argument for any group of people. I don’t need to be just like you for us both to have equal rights. I don’t need to assuage your fears about my life to make you comfortable giving me the rights everyone should have. There’s been a big surge in trying to mainstream gay culture.
I’m in a loving committed relationship, but I also enjoy sex with other people, threesomes, and going to sexual events like Black Party or bars like The Eagle. I have no desire to be straight or to have children or to live many people’s definition of a “normal” life. I’m probably not like many people who are reading this piece, and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with me, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
The issue here is sex positive education and facilities. Trying to shame people into conforming will never work, nor is it healthy. One thing that often draws people to the gay community (gay or not) is acceptance of things outside the norm. Losing this acceptance is a dangerous path to go down. I’ve seen a growing amount of conservatism among gay people who seem willing to turn their backs on the rest of us. Offering us up as the sacrifices to the cause. Isn’t there room for all of us?
As a culture we have to stop trying to regulate people’s lives or deny them proper healthcare based on our personal feelings towards sex or sexuality. Like our issues with selling sex, then shaming sex, America has a similar issue with proclaiming to love diversity, yet attacking it just as quickly.
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This is often on full display around pride month when many gay people express their disapproval of pride parades showcasing half naked men and women or groups or organizations that they don’t see as helping move equality along (leather groups, dykes on bikes, etc.). But I’ve also seen it in other more personal ways. I’ve often been confronted by random strangers on hookup apps like Grindr or Scruff telling me how they disapprove of my open relationship. Guess what? You don’t have to approve, and I didn’t ask.
I’ve also seen people being negative about new preventive medicine for HIV called Truvada, which is a pill you take daily that is proving to be very effective against contracting HIV. It’s actually one of the biggest breakthroughs in HIV research, yet few people are taking it.
The assumption here is if you take this, you are a slut. Some doctors are even refusing to prescribe it even though it has very few side effects. Some worry it will encourage people to make risker choices even though no research supports this claim. I recently began taking Truvada myself and was lucky to find a supportive and informed doctor to prescribe it, but some of my friends in other cities haven’t been so lucky.
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When I got home from my slut shaming experience a few years ago, I wrote a letter to the health department explaining in detail what happened and submitted it on their website where they claim to take feedback seriously. As you might expect, I never heard back.
As a culture we have to stop trying to regulate people’s lives or deny them proper healthcare based on our personal feelings towards sex or sexuality. Like our issues with selling sex, then shaming sex, America has a similar issue with proclaiming to love diversity, yet attacking it just as quickly.
—PhotoMike Babiarz/Flickr
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